The Ending of Innocence

From the moment I was born, I began to suck from the world my human needs.  It took most of my childhood to realize the world requires something in return for what it yields.  As I drain it, it drains me.  We are caught in a two-way act of vampirism, the Universe and I, as we bleed each other dry.  And the Universe will always claim our innocence in the end, until the End of Time, when the Lord shall return and restore to us a Perfect Unity.  But until then, we are engaged in our wars against the world.
Everyone, no matter what age or religion, is struggling to retain their innocence.  I think maybe it starts as children, when we can first understand death as a concept, or realize that we are merely the tiniest particle of dust on the outskirts of a chaotic sandstorm waiting to be enveloped in the whirling winds...  Maybe we all have that one definable moment in our minds, that moment when we find we have Innocence, something almost substantial, and something so easily breakable, so easily lost.  Our terms of when and where Innocence begins and ends might shift from person to person, religion to religion, but deep down inside we all have our undeniable, unalienable Shame, that Counterpart to Innocence.
I've reached a point in  my life where I have seen so much, too much, and yet I have seen nothing at all.  "Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt," cries Hamlet.  And I'm inclined to cry with him.  Sometimes I wish I could cover myself, that I could shield my eyes and plug my ears and protect my skin all at once, in some pitiful ball, hoping the Universe will forget me.  It never does, though.
Whatever it is, the never-ending cycle of what you see on the computer screen and TV and the screaming roadside billboards, the conversations overhead, the enslaving desires of the flesh, the wars and rumors of wars, the touch of death and sickness, or a betrayal of trust... losing your innocence hurts.    To say a person "is broken" has become somewhat of a cliche, but it is true.  As fallen humans we can, and will, break.
I think I'm beginning to break.  Whatever shell of naivety I had around me is falling away.  It scares me, as if I am standing at the edge of a precipice with the world behind me, urging me to jump.  If I do not jump, will I be pushed.
I think most people my age, maybe most people in general, feel this way.  What I'm finding out about my time of life, is this is when you find out if you're someone who jumps or someone who must inevitably be pushed.  Because in life, we all must go through some irrevocable fall, but maybe we have some control over how it happens.
This, obviously, is a terrifying fact.  It is everyone's secret burden, hidden in little chambers of the heart.  We shove our broken pieces deep within us so the world cannot see them, and it seems we let the jagged edges cut us even more.
I've been thinking a lot about the shame we feel, as we grow up, as we lose our innocence piece by piece.  Why?  This is one common burden shared by humanity.  The person sitting next to you at the bus stop, the cashier at Walmart, your best friend, your worst enemy, the great masses shifting through the earth like quicksand.  We all know.  We all feel.  And we all deal with it differently.  Our books on tape, our lustful pleasures, our beauty magazines, our antidepressants, our sports channels, our casinos, our parties, our movie theaters, our Doctor Who marathons, our junk food.  
My only thought on this stems from my faith, that as Christians we should take this brokenness, this loss of Innocence, to God.  He is, quite literally, the only one who can heal your jagged edges.  I do not think He will put you back together, per se, but more that He will fill those broken parts of you up with Him, making you so much fuller than you were before.  That is why I find a certain beauty in brokenness.  Through God, as cliche as it sounds, you really can become whole again, and not only that, but much more.  Through Him, you can become Complete.
You may put your trust in the Universe and get betrayed.  It is more than likely.  You will get scarred, you will get scraped and burned and lost and found and hurt and touched and loved and hated and you will cry and you will laugh.  And you will be exposed, terribly exposed, to this ever-shifting mass of life.
I believe in something more, though.  There is Someone who will never change.
I want to go back to my fantascised childhood, I want to go back to some time before my Innocence began unraveling.  I can't.  I'm at this precipice and there is no turning back.
I think I'm going to jump.  But I do not think I will be jumping alone.  I have faith in my God.  He will not let me fall, but He will let me soar on eagle's wings.
That precipice isn't so scary anymore.  
      
^(OvO)^