I'm Moving On, Darling

I am not this anymore. 

This is not what I want to say anymore.

I have tucked this away within me, I have placed all the things said in this blog on their appropriate shelves.  They will not collect dust, I assure you, but they are on the shelf nonetheless.

Oh well, shit happens.  No one can expect anyone to stay the same forever.  Don't expect that you'll stay the same as you are now, if you haven't already figured that out.  If Myself Of The Past, starting this blog,was told half the things Myself Of This Present believes Myself Of The Past would probably not believe whoever was telling him "Guess what you end up thinking!"  Myself Of The Past would have been like, "N'ahhh, no way, dude."  Well, I have come from Point A to Point B, from There to Here and the distance is great and wide and frankly, awful.  I know who I am now more than I ever have in my past and I've barely been just acquainted with myself. 
Something tells me that's not how it's supposed to be.  Something tells me people aren't meant to question themselves over and over again in the mirror, studying their faces self-consciously and feeling dizzy because hey, well, you're a person in this world and you're going to make a difference, champ!  You're going to end up in Heaven or Hell and it's all up to you!  God knows you or He doesn't, right?  Hello stranger, welcome home.  Depart from me, I never knew you.  All that jazz.  It's kind of like swing music.  It makes me really, really motion sick.     

Sometimes I feel like I should apologize, because I feel like I've shocked a lot of people over the past months during various moments and in varying degrees.  I'm going to a shock a whole lot more people before I'm done, trust me.  But that's okay, baby, you were born this way.*

Maybe I've just become too facetious to run this blog anymore.  And the point of this pointless post was, if you hadn't already guessed it, is to say goodbye.  Not because I believe that anyone reading this (all three of you. Hi Ranger!) cares but because, well, I care.  I care that I have changed and it has been painful, and that everyone everywhere has changed and it has been painful.  It has been so, so painful.  And I care that I am afraid to share this pain, and I care that you are afraid to share this pain, I care that your father is afraid to share this pain, I care that my mother is afraid to share this pain, I care that my friends are afraid to share this pain, I care that anyone who has existed has been made to feel fearful because we have all had unspeakable thoughts in the dark that have defined us.  We all have dark fantasies and horrible deeds and half-shaded secrets and we've stitched up ours mouths.  Have you ever felt like you're about to throw up but it just won't come?  So you're sitting at the toilet and your eyes are closed but it just won't come?  You're huddled over a pot and you're thinking, Please Lord let me puke it all up because I can't take this sickness much longer, but it's just not coming?  It's a horrible sensation.  Maybe we superglued our throats closed.  Maybe we poured cement into our throats because we were scared we'd start blabbering.


I don't want to worry anymore.  I want to be open-souled, I want to spill myself out over everything and I want everyone to join me.  This blog title turned out to be slightly prophetic.  All things go to recreate.  All things go to recreate me, all things go to recreate you.  I have been recreated.   I am not who I was.  Let's tear out our guts together.  Let's enjoy ourselves while we're here.



But, in conclusion, I'm still scared to share myself openly with everyone.  Being ready takes time and that's okay.  It takes a willingness on both parts and I don't think anyone is ever really ready so you have to sit back and let things happen on their own time.   Whatever happens will happen.  I'm keeping this blog as an archive of who I was, because who I am now is built upon it, and I am proud of my background.  I am proud of my future.  I am proud of my now, I am proud of you, I am proud we've made it this far.  If you have read anything I have ever written or come in to my life in any way or exist in any way that is sentient enough to read and comprehend what I am saying now, I want to thank you.  I want to tell you I love you.  I want to tell you that you exist and you fit in to this world because you are loved and can love and you are beautiful for it. 

You are so, so beautiful.

Sincerely,
Nate            

*Or were you?  Was I?  How can we be sure?  Gaga?  How can any of us be sure?  Of anything?  Hello, hello?  Don't you dare hang up on me.